I’m gonna make a brand new one just so that I can actually follow people. I’ll post the link in a bit.

I’m a shitty friend and that’s just the way it’s gonna be.

Do you notice the constant push I give you because I don’t want you to be around. The fact that I ignore you as much possible. I try to make myself seem like an obnoxious girl in hopes that you’ll be turned off by it. The fact that I’m always getting mad at you for little things. All because I fell for you when I didn’t want to. What should have only been a friendship turned into some stupid crush.

At the same time I crave for your attention. I get mad at you for not wanting to talk to me. I’m eager to talk to you every day. I wait by my phone hoping you would call. Call me crazy it’s a love hate kinda thing.

You live a plane ride away from me. Even if you were to some how have the same feelings for me it wouldn’t work out. Mainly because I won’t let it. I refuse to fall for someone that I can’t physically be with.

This crush has gotten way too far and I find myself much more attached than I planned on ever being. It was never supposed to get this far. I wish I never gave you my number. I wish I never met you through those people. I wish he never broke my heart and made me more vulnerable towards you. I wish you would just disappear the face of the earth.

I like you I’m sure we’ve established that already but if I can’t go any where past that. Mainly because if we were to have the same feeling for each other I won’t get into a relationship with you. Why? I have a ridiculous amount of extra baggage. I am still emotionally attached to my ex. Regardless of him in my life or not. I am willing to drop every thing and anything for him. You don’t want that. I mean no one wants a girl that is like that.

could it be that she wants to be more than friends but doesnt know how to approach it or act upon it?

Maybe this guy is right. Maybe deep down inside the reason why I don’t want to talk to you is because I’m trying to avoid the way I really feel. Because some how by not talking to you my feelings for you will eventually disappear. I really don’t know how to approach you. It’s not that I want to be more than friends but sometimes the fact that I have a crush on you bothers me so much that not talking to you seems to be the only solution.

I find myself starting to get jealous of girls because they get to talk to you. I find myself wanting to call you every single minute of the day because I miss you that much. It disgusts me because this is not the kind of girl I am. I remember how mad you got when that other girl started to act like that. And honestly the last thing I want is for you to get mad at me. So instead of you getting mad I get mad which is by far the stupidest thing I could do.

In all honesty I don’t want to talk to you because I want these feelings to disappear. I want them to never come back. I want to talk to you as just a friend without thinking about the endless possibilities if we were to somehow end up together. I hate what this has done to me.

So there the real reason why I get mad all the time and begin to avoid you.

I’m going to sound a tad conceited and over my head but the fact that you won’t pay attention to me makes me angry. I have never had this problem most of the time the guys I like actually give me the time of day. You, on the other hand, are just I don’t even know. I call you but you only want to talk for a few minute. I ‘im’ you the conversation dies down after a while. I am about ready to fly to where you are and scream in your face. UGH.

I’m glad that some how God let us cross paths again. I’m glad that you are once again back in my life. Yes I was doing fine without you but the moment you came back in I knew I was missing you. I could say that I didn’t miss you but it would be a lie. I felt the need to move on was the right thing to do who knew it was wrong. All that matters now is that you’re here. Here right by my side as I type this. You’re the first person I think of when I wake up and the last. You are officially mines <3

Yes I’ll admit I’ve home wrecked a few relationships. I was willingly “girlfriend #2”. I’ve “talked” to guys who were taken with every intention to try and get with them. I’ve been accused of cheating even though I wasn’t. I have quite the reputation due to my past. The thing is that’s all in my past. Yes some may consider that a slut but that’s my past. It’s not who I am now. I regret most of the things I’ve done and I understand now they were wrong. I was young and naive. I’m sure there are other people whose hands are just as dirty than mines maybe even dirtier. Slut? Maybe but that’s not who I am now. A slut continues her whore endeavors. This is the one thing that people don’t understand although my reputation in the past wasn’t the best it is MOS DEF NOT who I am anymore. If people actually took the time to get to know me they’ll realize that. Instead they rather judge me based on my past. Whatever though right? One less gift at Christmas time.